This week we had a new colleague join the design team, Alex, who’s just moved up from Londaaan (or london, to you and me) to good old Leeds. As a southerner, we asked our confused pal to list all the things he doesn’t quite understand about the North.
Questionable Things Northerners Do
Here are his rather insulting answers!
No not that North, THE North.
1. Have a Greggs Obsession
While you have a chance of stumbling across the odd Greggs down south, in the North there is no escape. If you walk down any high street in the north, it won’t be 60 seconds before you pass one of these delicious paradises.
The demand for overpriced sausage rolls is so high there’s even a bouncer outside the Greggs in the Arndale shopping centre in Manc. Yes, a legit bouncer!?
2. Northerners Can Hold Their Drink
Have you heard the tale of the pub in Newcastle that once offered customers free use of the toilets with every five pints of lager they bought? Needless to say, none of their patrons were soft enough to take them up on the offer.
3. Speak Slang Like It’s Klingon
Not only do northerners have a wide range of (sometimes hard to understand) accents, they also have some of the best slang. This slang makes perfect sense to other northerners – however to a an outsider things can get very confusing, very quickly when exposed to these words.
4. There’s Personal Space Up North
It’s true that Northern privilege is a real thing. We don’t have to cram ourselves onto buses so tightly that we catch diseases off each other. We don’t have to go home to wardrobes that estate agents have sold to us as ‘luxury compact apartments’. And, get this, we can go for a walk in a park that’s slightly less crowded than Harrods on the first day of the January sales.
The irony, of course, is that northerners are nicer, so you don’t even want to be further away from them.
5. North-People Are Pretty ‘Ard
It’s a proven scientific fact that northerners are harder than you’d expect, especially harder than southerners, anyway. There’s no actual evidence, but come on. Just look at them.
If you’re in the north, it doesn’t matter how tough or intimidating you think you are – to northerners you are and always will be ‘soft’.
6. They Nip Home Before Going Out For T’ Night
Everyone else, anywhere wears a coat when they go out at night, not up North though. We’re made of stronger stuff. The fact that many northerners live so near to where they work they can go home and get ready before going out on weeknights, doesn’t stop them leaving this essential item behind.
7. Call Lunch ‘Dinner’
Southerners everywhere will have a lump in their throat right now because this is so hard for them to swallow, but many in the north actually refer to lunchtime as ‘dinner’. Oh and to add insult to injury, dinner is often referred to as ‘tea’ as well.
If you weren’t lucky enough to be born in Yorkshire, it’s probably best to be aware of this before heading up north as it could lead to a lot of confusion.
8. They’re Surprisingly Friendly
Walk into a shop and greet the person behind the counter in the North and they’ll greet you back in the most genuine, heartwarming way. Walk into a shop anywhere else and greet the shopkeeper and they’ll tell you to buy something or get lost.
The simple truth is that northerners are nicer, and are always up for a chat about the weather.
9. The Weathers Truly Terrible
Admittedly, this is not actually anyone’s fault but the weather up north is truly terrible. To be fair though, the UK as a whole isn’t exactly known for it’s glorious weather, but up in the north the weather can actually be much harsher. The phrase ‘it’s grim up north’ wasn’t created for no reason.
10. Put Gravy On Absolutely EVERYTHING
Gravy being taken for granted is a real issue. Elsewhere, it’s simply something to complement a meal – whereas in the north it quite often IS the meal. Northerners understand that sometimes there’s nothing better than a roast dinner drowning in gravy and the classic ‘chips and gravy’ combination is basically considered a delicacy.